"Good Morning, Vietnam!" (Part Two - Ha Long Bay)

After booking our four day stay in Hanoi, we went into research mode and Chris proposed a boat trip through the bay. Loving boat trips, I was game. The three and half hour journey by mini bus was well worth it. Our guide for the day was a 24 year old guy from North Vietnam called Huan. Along the way he was on hand to inform us of Vietnamese history, traditions and customs but I would still have a chance to sit back and listen to my iPod whilst taking in the views as the bus navigated through some of the most beautiful landscapes I've seen, none more so that the fertile rice fields that Vietnam is most famous for.

Before I knew it, we were all sat aboard our boat, The White Dragon and we were on our way to the bay. The bay itself boasts an impressive 1,969 islands as well as some floating islands that are called 'villages'. We stopped at one of these villages and were encouraged by Huan to hire a bamboo boat from the locals for 100,000 Dong (about £3) each. And on the strength of his advice we all agreed to hire the boat, this proved to be the best decision we made all day.

Donning our luminous orange life jackets, Chris, Jess, Steph, Koenraad and I climbed into our little bamboo boat that came complete with a local tour guide, who as it happened would also serve as our captain and crew. We were taken amongst the floating islands that make up the village. We were given an insight into how the Ha Long Bay locals lived, shown their school, a restaurant and even a local shop. The school was particularly interesting as it was quite small, our guide told us it had two classrooms and a little office. I am not sure what ages study there but I think she added that the older kids have to get a boat to the mainland to attend high school.

A Playground You Can Swim In: The school for the children of the village

A particular highlight for me was seeing a girl, perhaps 16, paddle up alongside us, her boat filled with a vast array of fruits and vegetables. A few words in Vietnamese from our guide and she was handed a big juicy orange in exchange for a few Dong. The girl then rowed away, presumably to look for other customers, a day in the life of the water green grocer.

One of Her Five: Our captain buys a snack from the local green grocer

Once back on board The White Dragon we sailed by two rocks known as the 'Fighting Cocks', a name given due to the slight resemblance they have to a pair of fighting cocks squaring up to one another. It is said to be a national symbol used by Vietnam in much of their tourist promotions. I'd have preferred to have sailed a little closer by to get a good photo but for whatever reason the Captain decided there were more interesting things to show us.

Bamboo Boat: The five of us sat in the middle of the village, Ha Long Bay

If that was indeed the case, then he was spot on because our next stop was to be the Heavenly Caves. Actually from looking at the brochure of the tour in our hotel, I was quite excited to see the caves. With some good photo opportunities, Chris, a die-hard Celtic fan, and I (a long time disgruntled Aston Villa fan) decided to wear our team's colours with the idea of sending the photos to our respective clubs to include in their 'fans from around the world' posts that often pop up on the official website and/or facebook page. Sadly, despite us sending the photograph to them, they were not as enthused as us because we didn't make the cut, not sure about Chris but I think I narrowly missed out to a chap called Steve, who'd had a lovely day out in Tamworth...

Colours: Wearing our shirts with pride

Huan told us that the particular cave we were standing in had been discovered in 1993 by a fisherman, who'd stumbled across it whilst chasing a monkey up some rocks... Bizarre, I know. Anyway, this cave is considered the most beautiful of all the heavenly caves. It was extremely impressive to be fair, quite breathtaking and although it might sound a little tacky, it was filled with hundreds of coloured lights which in my opinion only served to add to the cave's enchanting natural beauty.

Heavens Above: A picture from inside the Heavenly Caves, beautiful

We headed back to our boat, and soon enough we were on the minibus back to Hanoi. It was a great day out and an experience that I am glad I had the opportunity to enjoy. Its easy to see why Ha Long Bay is recognised as one of UNESCO's World Heritage Sites and considered by many travel experts to be one of the seven natural wonders of the world, it really was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Huan and Only: Stood with our tour guide Huan, on our way back to Hanoi

To be continued...

"Good Morning, Vietnam!" (Part One - Hanoi)

Ever since I arrived in China, there have been a few places I have wanted to visit. Not just cities in China but other Asian countries also, close to the top of the list was Vietnam. Luckily for me, my closest friends in China, Chris and Jess also wanted to go. With a few weeks off from school for winter, we booked a two week trip, Hanoi would be our first stop.

We headed for our hotel 'The Splendid Jupiter' located in Hanoi's Old Quarter. The drive, though at night, gave us our first taste of the city that would play host to us for four nights. The thing that struck me most was the European feel the place has to it, having done a little research into Hanoi prior to our visit. I was aware that Hanoi had served as the capital of the French Indochina between 1902 and 1954 (though the French had in fact been in Vietnam since 1800's), so I'd expected some influence to be noticeable but this had not prepared me for what I actually saw. I could have been in a car travelling through some French town that night. The other thing that stood out was the use of mopeds. It would appear to be the preferred mode of transport in Vietnam.

The following morning, we headed to the lake known as Hoan Kiem after breakfast and walked around it in its entirety, stopping occasionally to take a few snaps before taking a few minutes to explore an old temple which had been built atop a small island in the middle of the lake. We had to cross a beautiful red wooden bridge to access the island, paying a small amount of Vietnamese dong for entry. As it turned out, my travel buddies and I had stumbled upon of all things, a Chinese temple. Inside the temple we learned the story of a large turtle known as 'Cu Rua' which translates to 'Great Grandfather Turtle'. Some experts believe the turtle to be around 700 years old and the last of its kind. Perhaps we'd stumbled across the Asian equivalent of Loch Ness?

When we returned to the hotel, a member staff known as Mr. Tom offered to exchange money for us, as Vietnamese Dong is a closed currency, which basically meant that we could not obtain any prior to our entry into the country, we'd been using what little we'd exchanged at the airport until now so we decided to hand over our Chinese Renminbi (RMB) to a guy we could only assume was indeed an employee of the hotel and not some chancer who'd knocked up an official looking name tag and donned a suit ready to scam some unsuspecting travellers. I gave him 3000RMB, which is the equivalent of about £300 before he left us at reception and hopped onto a moped and sped off. Thankfully, he returned a few minutes later carrying millions of Dong. He counted it out in front of us, with me being the proud owner of of 9,000,000 Dong. Finally, after all these years, I was a millionaire! Unfortunately I was in a place where beer cost a few thousand. Needless to say, I wasn't going to be rolling in it for long!

A few hours later, Chris, Jess and I found ourselves in a bar of all places. We sampled a few of the local beers - Bia Ha Noi, Bia Saigon and Biere Larue. Before too long, dusk was upon us and Chris decided to take a walk up to the hotel to see if our friends Steph and Koenraad, who would also be spending a few days in Hanoi, had checked in yet. Within 20 minutes he'd returned with our two friends in tow, and as you might expect, they were in need of refreshment. Steph ordered a round of beers and shots, I don't actually remember much of the night after that.

The Gang: Steph, Jess, Chris, Koenraad and Me having one or two local beers

Our second full day began with a shopping trip, though of course there were more beers to be had too. But of course, no trip away would be complete without me being scammed out of money by some local (you have all forgotten about the Tea Scam I fell victim to when I first arrived in Beijing, right?). Jess, Steph and I were all chatting whilst Chris and Koenraad looked on from further up the road, a street seller approached the girls and I, carrying her bags of pineapple. She handed me her, hmm well actually I am not sure what you would call it, it kind of looks like a stick that has a tipping scales on either end, well anyway she handed me that thing. She then proceeded to force her little hat on my head and pointed at Jess's camera. Jess took a few pictures before I passed these props to her and returned the favour of taking a photo or two. Once we handed it all back to the woman, I kind of felt obliged to buy a small bag of pineapple from her, big mistake, and in a flurry of numbers, pointing and broken English she was soon away with 250,000 Dong before I could even calculate the exchange rate in my head. That's right 250,000 Dong, that's about £7.50, funny how I can work it out now! This should be the part of the story that goes on to insist that it was indeed the juiciest and tastiest pineapple that had ever passed my lips, alas my bad luck didn't end with my pockets hurting, no in fact my tongue hurt too as it swelled and began to bleed a little, I forced myself to eat it though whilst assuring all my friends that it was worth every penny.

Scammed: Moments before losing 250,000 Dong to a wily old fruit seller

My tongue and appetite did recover enough to enjoy a lovely evening of local cuisine at a cracking little restaurant called 'Quan An Ngon'. The food was delightful and a lot cheaper than the local pineapples. We had seafood spring rolls, Vietnamese sausage with chilli sauce, crispy pancakes, deep fried noodles and of course the local dish, Bun Cha.

Local Dish: Bun Cha - Grilled pork in a soup, vegetables and noodles

The following day we went to Ha Long Bay, which was one of the most beautiful places I visited in Vietnam. It obviously deserves its on blog post, so keep an eye out for that...

The day after Ha Long Bay was to be our last in Hanoi, and our final day with Steph and Koenraad before they headed off to Ho Chi Minh City and we took our train down to Da Nang. Like all the previous days, it started with a cracking breakfast of egg, bacon and toast followed by chocolate covered pancakes and washed down with a Vietnamese coffee. With our breakfasts digesting, we prepared for yet another day of adventure only to be informed by Ha, a member of staff at the hotel, that the Single Pillar Pagoda and Ho Chi Minh's mausoleum were closed for the Vietnamese New Year. So we changed our plan slightly, checking out before heading back to the Hoan Kiem lake, firstly to show Steph and Koenraad but secondly to fly by the Water Puppet Theatre for tickets, huh? what? Yep, believe your eyes, its true, this band of twenty-somethings would be taking in a spot of water puppetry! After booking our tickets to the 2pm show, we made our way to another tourist spot, whilst trying to contain our excitement.

One other place of interest that we'd been made aware of in Hanoi was an old jail that had opened its doors to tourists, known as Hoa Lo Prison or Maison Centrale as we preferred to call it. The prison has a lot of history, built in the 1880's by the French it was originally used to hold political prisoners, who underwent torture and in some cases, execution. When the French left Vietnam in the mid-1950's, the prison was used by the Vietnamese as an "educational" centre. It would later be used to house American prisoners of war during the war. Most notably, senator John McCain, then a pilot in the American Navy, spent some time there. It was a fascinating and eerie place to be but with one eye on the clock, we soon had to leave for our show.

Maison Centrale: Known as Hanoi Hilton by American POWs, sounds kinda cosy...

Thang Long Water Puppet Theatre is arguably the world's most famous water puppet theatre. And it was certainly more impressive than any I'd visited in my many years as a water puppet enthusiast. All jokes aside, it was actually me who'd put forward the idea of watching a water puppet show, as I'd read that it was a big part of Vietnamese culture and as the show was only twenty minutes long, it seemed like as nice a way as any to end our time together in Hanoi.

The show itself was pleasant, although the narration was in Vietnamese, we did manage to get the gist of what was going on. The show was split into fourteen traditional tales and famous folklore, our favourite was simply known as 'The fox chases the ducks' according to the free programme, I don't feel compelled to outline what the story was about as I'm sure you can work it out for yourself.

My New Hobby: Thang Long Water Puppet Theatre, Hanoi

We had a final beer or three outside a cafe located opposite a catholic church. Saying our farewells to Steph and Koenraad, not at all emotional as we knew we'd all be getting drunk together in Beijing again soon enough. Chris, Jess and I finished our beers then made our way to the hotel to grab our bags but not without a quick photo with Mr Tom and Ha before walking over to the train station to catch our overnight train down to Da Nang for what would be just over a week of sea and sun.

Friendly Hotel Staff: A photo of us with Mr Tom and Ha of the Splendid Jupiter

To be continued... 

Tales From The Classroom 5

Its that time again, with the end of a semester comes yet another 'Tales from the classroom' and in this, the 5th instalment, you can expect to read all about the goings on in my lessons during my fourth semester in the classroom.

You may remember from the last 'tales from the classroom' that I taught Grade 5 for the second half of the school year after teaching Grade 3 in the first half. Well, Grade 5 (now Grade 6) would no longer have 'foreign teacher classes' due to a busier schedule for them in a year that sees them under more pressure as they prepare to move onto Middle School. As I was going to lose my students, I made a request to my boss to place me back as the Grade 3 (now Grade 4) teacher, to which she agreed. I was delighted as I would again have the opportunity to work with some of my old favourite students.

Classroom fun with some of my Grade 4 students

The first class of the semester is supposed to be an introduction class, in which you are encouraged to teach the kids about who you are and where you come from. Upon walking into each of the 14 classes for that first time, I was delighted to learn that they all remembered me and was welcomed on almost every occasion with big cheers and chants of my name, what a great feeling it was but to be honest, I was truly humbled by it all.

Anyway, as the kids already knew me, I chose not to do an introduction class about myself but instead ask them what they could remember about me. In one class, a kid put their hand up and said "are you from England or America?" to which I answered "England". He was taken aback, and shook his head, "I don't think so" he announced, "I am" I assured him. But he still shook his head, "Nah, I think you are too cool to be English, I think you're American!" I am still not sure if that was meant as a slight to America or England!

Kids really do say the funniest things, almost every day in the classroom something will be said that makes you chuckle, more often than not, you have to hold the laughter in. One thing that did make me laugh was during a lesson I did on the United Kingdom. Now I am sure China is not alone in this, but almost every time you see the Union Jack, it is often attributed to England and as such I took it upon myself teach all the classes about which countries make up the UK. This caused whole spread confusion but one student commented "I think England owns Scotland, like China owns Hong Kong". I had to chuckle to myself and as the bell went I sprinted to meet my fellow teachers, one of which being Scottish, for lunch and proceeded to retell the story, needless to say that she didn't find his comment half as amusing as I did!

One of my favourite students this semester was a girl in my intensive class called Bella. The intensive classes are very small, usually 6-12 students but they will spend four hours a week with their foreign teacher which probably doesn't sound all that much but when you consider we spend 16-18 hours a week teaching, four hours is a pretty sizeable period of time. So back to my favourite student, Bella. I have been amazed at what a great sense of humour she has, very much like a Westerner, whoa is that racist? Actually, I don't think it is, Chinese people have a different sense of humour to us. The Chinese appear to me to enjoy slapstick humour mostly and this is most evident, as you might expect, in children. Bella however loves wordplay in English.

I think Bella might actually be a young comic genius. Several times she had me in stitches and on some occasions I was just shocked at how creative and witty she is. For example, I am sure you are familiar with the old joke - 'Why was the number six scared? Because seven ate (eight) nine'. Well in one class she actually stumbled upon this joke all by herself, almost as if she was inventing it for the first time. She was counting and said "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... ate? eat? eating? seven is eating nine?" it was extraordinary to see as she simply shrugged it off and just carried on with what she was saying. As well as wordplay, she is a big fan of accents, which is surprising and I am not sure I have come across any other kids who do this but she likes to adopt a very posh English accent whilst reading amongst other silly voices.

My favourite student Bella, she may not look it but this girl is a comic genius

As well as Bella, there was another child in the Intensive class, who left an impression on me. In the first lesson, I was introduced to each of the students and told their names. One boy was called Peter, a name I was aware of and one I'd said many times, up until this moment however I have never doubted my ability to pronounce it. Now I admit, and I have written in previous blog posts that I will often change a name slightly for comedic effect, Dina becomes Dinner, Jacky becomes Jacket, Bob becomes Blob and James becomes Trousers, that sort of thing and as you can probably have guessed Peter would become Pizza. But these jokes are only reserved for children who I have built a good rapport with, certainly not something I'd use in the first class. So imagine my horror when every time I said 'Peter', all the kids (except Peter) started to laugh and chant "Pizza! Pizza!" this went on for a few classes and he did cry a couple of times, telling me that I was saying his name wrong, to which I of course asked for the correct pronunciation, being informed that apparently I'd been saying this name wrong all these years and its actually 'Pete Ar' almost like a pirate might say it... I adapted my terrible English way of saying this popular English name and instead tried to say it the correct way.

Three or four lessons into the semester, my Teaching Assistant told me prior to the class one day that Pete Ar's mother had complained saying I was calling her son 'Pizza'. I did everything I could to ensure I called him Pete Ar for the next two hours and when the bell went for home time, I led the students out to the main gate where their parents wait for them. I was stood chatting with the other teachers, and next thing I know there's a tap on my shoulder, I turned round to see the Teaching Assistant, Pete Ar and who I could only assume (at this point) was his Mum. "This is Pete Ar's Mum (I bloody knew it), she doesn't speak English. She told me that you called Pete Ar - 'Pizza' at least three times today." I couldn't believe it, "No I didn't" was the best reply I could muster in my total disbelief. "Can you say his name please, so she can hear?" the Teaching Assistant asked me, I was starting to feel as though I was on trial. "Peter" I said, reverting back to my original pronunciation that had served me so well for 20 plus years. "And again?" so I repeated, there was an exchange in Chinese between the disgruntled mother and my assistant, who then turned back to me to say, "His mother says it sounds like you're saying Pizza". I assured them all that I wasn't, one of the other teachers even leaned it to explain that this is how English people say the name and it sounds different to how an American or even a Chinese teacher might say it. I can only assume that Peter's previous English Language teachers were from somewhere other than the UK. Anyway, long story short, he's called John now.

While I am talking about names, I also learned during this semester that a boy I thought was called 'Gelanter' actually went by the name 'Green Lantern'. An original name no doubt, but a pain to write on the board especially given his classmates were called Sam, Amy, Jane, Tony and Eric.

Green Lantern - a Grade 2 student by day, superhero by night

One final thing I wanted to share with you, whilst working on the topic 'Days and Dates', I set a homework asking students to create their own calendar, they could choose any month in 2014 and fill in some important dates such as 'Christmas Day', 'New Year's Eve', 'Mum's Birthday' etc. One student picked the month of December. The following week when he handed in his home-made calendar, I noticed he had all the dates you might expect in December marked but also on the 1st December he had put World Aids Day, I found it encouraging to learn that this 8 year old Chinese boy is so concerned with the Aids pandemic, who knows maybe he will seek out a career in medical research, he certainly has the potential, smart kid.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

It might not be Hollywood but I can lay claim to starring in a Chinese movie! OK, so I am overstating my role in what should be my big screen debut, I was merely an extra in a low budget film but it did star two famous Chinese actors! So how did I end up appearing in this soon to be Oscar nominated flick? Please read on...

During the summer of 2013, having returned to China for my third stint, I was broke and searching the Beijinger.com, which is Beijing's answer to Gumtree, which in turn is England's answer to Craigslist. Anyway, these searches were proving to be anything but fruitful and despite checking every day, I was coming up with nothing. But throw enough mud at a wall... One day, my friend Jess received a call regarding an email she had sent containing our head-shots to a casting agent after seeing their classified ad, which sought after 'Foreign people to appear in a Chinese movie'. They were keen for us to come along the following day to work as background artists on the set of that movie.

'We' should have been three, unfortunately the timing of the filming coincided with Jess's boyfriend Chris's birthday weekend and as you might imagine Chris hadn't quite recovered enough from the gallons of alcohol he had consumed. He opted to stay home and relax opposed to standing on a set for 9 hours, he probably made the right call.

It was an early start, with Jess and I grabbing the subway at 5.30am, meeting our contact Moli at 6.15am outside the Military Museum, Beijing. Actually, Moli's opening question was one the most intriguing I have known as a way of introduction, "do you have any black friends?" she asked. We assumed that she possibly needing more people of different ethnicity for the movie and it wasn't just an unusually unique way to greet people that she'd developed.

When Jess had spoken to Moli the day before, she was informed that the scene being filmed that day was set in an airport. We were to dress as we would for a flight and bring luggage. I wore a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up and khaki cargo shorts with flip flops and my backpack, which I'd filled with two pillows to give it a more realistic shape.

So Moli led us to the set, which was located in the Beijing Art Museum. After a short wait for the other extras to arrive, we were separated into two lines - boys and girls. They explained that they would be selecting a handful of us to change into costumes of customs officers, NYPD police officers and SWAT members. They picked mainly big guys, a group of athletic Italians and a group of Russians accounted for most of the police officers. The two guys tasked with casting the roles, walked up and down the line inspecting us as if we were soldiers stood to attention on a parade square. One of the two pointed at me, no less than three times and every time his friend simply shook his head, that made me feel good about myself.

In hindsight being overlooked for one of the cool costumed roles, was probably a good thing, as I got to stand and chat to Jess whenever we weren't filming. At first, it was a lot of fun and quite exciting. But when you have done the same scene twenty-odd times, the novelty of being a film star wears off!

So, like I said, we knew we were going to be on an airport looking set. After the bullshit 'who looks tough enough to be a NYPD cop' selection process, we were led through to a large room, little did I know at this point that I would be spending the next nine hours there. As we caught glimpse of the set, I became eager to start background artisting my socks off! It looked exactly like the customs and immigration services that you'd expect to see at any international airport. Though on closer inspection everything was a little flimsy and obviously it was a set and I hadn't stepped through a portal into a real airport! The set was plastered with logos for JFK Airport and a big 'Welcome to New York' sign! No points for guessing which city this scene would be based in!

My friend Jess, acting her little socks off

I may have missed out on being a cop, but I was about to be given my chance to shine. A woman, started to pick out people to be at the front of the set for when the filming started. All the best looking people were chosen, plus me, not sure why but I wasn't going to complain about getting to stand around with lots of hot chicks and cool dudes. I was given direction. "Walk through the scanner, and collect your bag from the conveyor belt, please". This was it, my big scene, I was going to walk through that scanner and collect my bag like no-one had ever walked through a scanner and collected a bag before. I was gonna show all the losers behind me how it was done, steal the scene and probably end up being asked to do a few lines... So I walked through, went to grab my bag and then.... "Cut!", 'Ah come on! What happened? Who messed it up? It wasn't me, I walked through the scanner with style, I acted my arse off as I went to pick that bag up', I thought to myself as I was pushed back into my original position by a member of the crew.

After about twenty takes of that, they moved the set around and were ready to film the next part, though this time, I wasn't at the front, but why? What had I done? Maybe my acting was too good? Maybe I should play it a little bit cooler? Yeah, that's it, just relax... Wait? I am at the back with all the losers, what's going on? Don't they know who I am?

A view of the set from just behind the crew and the cameras

One particular scene was filmed more times than any other, this was because of a group of girls that kept laughing, amateurs. In this scene, we were informed that someone would shout 'bomb' and we all had to scream and hit the floor, Jess and I did such a good job of this that one of the Director's assistants moved us closer to the front, citing how good we were doing. Who's laughing now NYPD boys? Anyway, each time we all hit the floor, it would go silent soon after until this bunch of cretins starting to giggle, much to the annoyance of everyone else in the room, particularly the Director.

The highlight of the day for me was when we saw about ten Chinese people in blonde and auburn wigs rolled out to provide further background artistry, I can only assume that the casting agency had failed to supply enough genuine Western people. It was hilarious, imagine it, ten sort of confused looking Chinese people with ridiculous Bon Jovi-esque wigs being forced to make up the numbers!

The shooting went on for about nine hours in total, probably the longest working day I have ever endured. I was aching so much from standing around and also crouching during some scenes (as directed, not just for the fun of it).

After all that, we went to collect our pay for the day, the girl in charge of payments, asked me to sign on the dotted line before handing me the cash, "Who shall I make it out to?" I asked, "Sorry?" she replied, "Its okay, I'll just sign my name for you" I winked at her, "Yeah it's for our records" she claimed, "Of course it is" I said, winking again and then strutting away down the corridor with the 400RMB (about £40) earnings in my pocket.

A star is born? My big screen debut, on the set of 'Old Boys'

I am yet to be approached by Martin Scorsese or James Cameron, but that's probably because they are unaware of my debut on the silver screen, mind you, I am not sure when it will be premiering myself! All I do know is that it called 'Old Boys' and it is a feature length remake of a popular internet short starring the Chopsticks Brothers - I know that sounds like they might be the Chuckle Brothers of China but apparently they are critically acclaimed actors who write and sing too! Anyway, I will keep you posted on the film's release!

In all seriousness though, both Jess and I agreed to discovering a new level of respect for people who work in the film industry, I think Jess put it perfectly - "Even the crappiest film you've ever seen, someone has worked really hard on that".

Top Ten - Signs

I recently published the fourth entry into my long running series 'Tales from the classroom' and it got me thinking about whether it would possible to create another series and after much consideration I have finally come up with one, 'Top Ten' will be a shorter blog than others I have written and will have more of an emphasis on photographs than text.

This is the first of the series and will show my top ten favourite signs/public notices that I've snapped whilst out and about in China. Obviously, what makes most of the signs funny is that they have literally been translated from Chinese to English, making for some strange wording, in some cases though its the message itself that I like.

But before we begin our countdown, allow me to use an example of what I mean by 'sign' (just an excuse to post this cracker up again to be honest). This is a photo that was published on this very blog in an entry made in February 2012, called Learning mandarin (not satsuma) This remains a favourite sign of mine, but I have opted to exclude it from my top ten because of it already featuring in a previous blog post. 

Electricity! Look Out!

I really love that sign, like you need to react quickly to avoid the electricity that's hurtling its way towards you!

Right so lets begin our countdown, in true 'Top of the Pops' style, we will start from number 10 and work our way up (or should that be down?) to my favourite sign.

Number 10

There are fewer things worse in this world that having your hand pinched and this sign (found in the revolving doors at the Everbright Bank in Xidan, Beijing) is doing its bit to ensure this problem is eradicated. Apologies for the blurriness! 

Caution Hand Pinching

Number 9

The Great Wall is one of the most famous tourist attractions on the globe but yet that doesn't mean they have the money to hire a translator, opting presumably to use Google Translate for all their signs as this example of pure gobbledygook attests!

Heart cerebral disease sufferer ascend the Great Wall to please watch for

Number 8

This sign was spotted by my mate James at the Ming Tombs just outside Beijing, I assume doodling is also frowned upon. This is actually a good example of a literal translation I think. 

No Scribbling. No Climbing

Number 7

Similarly to Number 8, it has to be assumed this is a literal translation but to me this sign located near to the Forbidden City in Beijing sounds more like a boast than a warning.

Relic Protected, No Scratch

Number 6

I noticed this sign at Chaoyang Park, Beijing when I was taken there by Sam (pictured), a boy I tutor and his family. I think the message that this sign conveys is very important, as not enough is being done to stamp out tarrying, especially in an evacuation process.

Emergency exit Don't Tarry

Number 5

Some of the best signs can be found in toilets around the city. This one found above a urinal in the Joy City Shopping Mall offers up some friendly advice that if followed will make your urinating experience more enjoyable.

Closer, Easier

Number 4

No one likes a tosser and the Chinese are no different. This sign is placed just above an escalator in 77th Street Market, Beijing.

No Tossing

Number 3

This one really tickled me when I saw it in the Grade Two toilets of my school. Its very inspirational but bear in mind this sign is hanging up on a toilet wall! Just in case you can't read it, it says - "Keep staying for a while. Do not leave until you have finished it."

Keep staying for a while. Do not leave until you have finished it.

Number 2

Yet another sign I've snapped in above a urinal, what must I look like? This gem can be found in Beijing Zoo. It reads "This is what I've always wanted to talk to you: Urinating into the pool you are the best"

This is what I've always wanted to talk to you: Urinating into the pool you are the best

Number 1 

This one was pointed out to me by my housemate Kevin when we went for a meeting in an office building. It's sound advice because if you are planning on slipping, you should always do it carefully.

Slip Carefully

Tales From The Classroom 4

So this is the latest in my long running series 'tales from the classroom', if four can be considered 'long running'... As ever, this blog will feature some (hopefully) funny stories and the ever popular section on student names!

My third semester as a foreign English teacher would see me teaching grade 5's! A prospect that I wasn't looking forward to. Grade 5 students are aged between 10 and 11 years old, and as you can imagine as pre-teens they are a little harder to deal with than the younger grades. Although one thing that I did like about teaching them was that with their English being at a higher level (having been learning it for 5 years) they were better equipped to hold conversations with me.

Teaching Grade Five provided a new challenge as well as many laughs

With a more extensive vocabulary mixed with preadolescence, swearing was inevitably going to play a role in my lessons, for some reason though my own 'effing and jeffing' didn't go down well with the Chinese teachers. Only joking of course, it was the kids that would swear, not me and this would generally happen when my back was turned and of course with a class of 40+ students, it would be impossible to hone in on who had uttered the profanity! The most popular words would appear to have been 'sh*t' and 'f*ck', often 'slipping out' whenever a student got the wrong answer to one of my questions or lost points in a game we were playing. For those unlucky few I did manage to catch swearing, I would attempt to find a way to embarrass them in from of their mates. Embarrassing a kid is not that hard really, you can make it simple by reminding them you are in charge and getting them to 'stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down' etc a few times or you can try asking their name and calling them a girls name, in the case of a boy. For example - "whats your name?" "my name is Alan", "ok, Ellen, stop swearing and sit down", ok so it might seem like immature humour to you or I, but kids are immature by nature so they'd often find it hilarious!

As always, I had my favourites. One such student was a girl called Cici, the reason for her becoming a favourite was that despite her class were perhaps the worst behaved in the grade, she would always pay attention. While no-one in her class would listen to anything I had to say, most preferring to do homework, read a comic or chat amongst themselves amongst other hi-jinx! Cici would be sat listening to my every word and attempting to answer every question posed. Almost every week she would make me laugh with some comment or other, here are a couple that stand out. One week, just as the lesson was due to start one boy in her class started to have a temper tantrum, throwing books, pens and chair around the classroom before throwing his desk at an unsuspecting classmate. The school counselor and a Chinese English teacher were on hand to defuse the situation but while all this chaos was going on, Cici called me over to her desk and said to me "teacher, that boy is different to the rest of the class, he is like Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons" Haha, a great reference I thought. Another time, she called me over just before class and asked me what my favourite colour was, "black, brown maybe" I answered, "what's yours?", "I like blue she said", I laughed as she was sat there wearing a pink t-shirt, jeans with pink patches and trim plus pink trainers, even her pencil case was pink! "I think you like pink Cici!" I said, "No! Its my mother, she always buys me pink" she replied through gritted teeth.

Another favourite was a girl called Ive, who I would often call upon to give answers during classes as she would almost always have her hand up. But one day, I decided to only pick on students who didn't have their hand up. Ive seemed quite perplexed as to why I was constantly overlooking her, and perhaps in her frustration decided to try and win favour with me by shouting, "why? Why won't you pick me? Please pick me Daniel, you are so handsome, you are such a handsome man, please pick me!" but flattery got her no where and I continued to ignore her, well until the next question when the narcissist in me let her have a go.

Me and Ive, the student who called me a 'handome man', she has good taste

As ever, some of the names I came across this semester made me laugh. One of my favourite names had to be Snoopy! Though all of his classmates referred to him as Stupid. I had two students called Happy, one male and one female. In one class, I had a couple of boys, one called Somebody, the other was Someone. Last year, I taught a lad called Harry Potter, you may remember me mentioning him, well this time I had a girl called Hermione Granger! In another class, I taught a boy called KFC and his mate, who had named himself after national TV channel, CCTV. One of the grade 3 students I taught went by the name Smart, which was quite ironic as he really wasn't. I taught one girl called Panda, which I am surprised I have not come across more often, considering they are a national symbol and the kids love them! I also taught a boy known as Egg and his best mate, Vegetable. And one kid I taught for the whole semester and referred to as Robert, turned out to actually be called Robot!

Me with Egg and Vegetable, two of the most 'interesting' names in Grade Five

You may remember from my last blog post that during the semester, I had my wisdom tooth extracted. As fate would have it, that week the school had me teaching the kids about dentists and teeth! It was during these classes that I noticed something that Chinese English students say, in the absence of vocabulary, I assume. I wanted to get a discussion going with the grade 5 students on going to the dentist, I posed the question "Do you like or dislike going to the dentist?", for those who didn't like the dentist, they had no problems providing a satisfactory reason as to why - 'its scary', 'he will hurt me' and 'it smells funny' were all popular answers. However, a common sentence for those who are favour of visits to the dentist was "I like going to the dentist because it is interesting". Not something you'd expect a native speaker to say, though I would love to hear someone tell me that they like eating pizza, 'because it is interesting'.

So as previously mentioned in this blog, I taught a student called Somebody. Somebody was something of a know it all, often putting his hand up to correct me on different topics, that was until one day when he decided to ask the question 'why?'. The topic up for discussion that day was the differences between the northern and southern hemisphere. I explained that during the summer months in northern hemisphere countries such as China, USA and Great Britain, it is hot, whereas in the southern hemisphere it is their winter and it is cold. Somebody's hand went straight up, "Why?" he asked. "Good question" I answered and not being too sure of the actual answer offered up a possible explanation, "maybe the northern hemisphere is slightly closer to the Sun, but I don't know". "Why don't you know?" he asked, "well I went to school a long time ago..." was my reply, "Why?" he asked again, "Why what?" I said, attempting to control my increasing frustration at his repetitive questioning. "Why don't you remember?" he rephrased his question, "Because I just don't, OK?" I told him before turning back to the class to ask for more differences they might know of. Somebody is one of the most annoying students I have come across, though this particular incident aside, he does actually know everything there is to know about the world, which I am sure makes him very popular with his classmates!

Another 'interesting' young man, was a student who went by the name Julian. Although a little odd, he loved all the foreign teachers and luckily for him, his classroom was located right next to the 'Foreign Teacher's Office' and more often than not he would be stood in the corridor as me and my colleagues walked to and from classes. He would always say, "Hi Sir!" often following his greeting with either, "I have missed you!" or "give me a high five!" to which I never have! Nice enough lad, just a little odd...

Me and Julian, the boy determined to get a 'high five' from me

From time to time I will be shown up by one of my students. During a game in which I list all the letters A-Z on the board and give the class a subject to which they then have to think of something that starts with each letter. In this particular lesson the topic was countries. The first letter was A, a kid popped up their hand and suggested America, to which I replied, "Sorry, there is no country called America, you mean the United States of America, that starts with a U!" after my pedantic over-ruling, we agreed on Australia, Brazil was chose for B and then someone offered up China for C. As I was writing it up on the board, a student shouted "But teacher, there is no country called China! You mean the People's Republic of China, which starts with a P!" In the end, we agreed that I was right and China was accepted as a correct answer - he who holds the chalk, holds the power. Chinese proverb? No, but it should be.

In the final week with the Grade 5's, I wanted to have a fun lesson with them as they would not have any foreign teacher classes in Grade 6 so I felt a slight responsibility to deliver a class they'd remember. We played games and I handed out some Chupa Chups (other lollipops are available) and at the end of the lesson, I had some photos taken with the students. What happened next though in a few of the classes, took me by surprise, some of the students asked me for my autograph, either on a piece of paper or in their English books, though one student asked me to sign his badminton racket cover. Though I was happy to oblige most of their requests, when asked for my personal phone number I just simply said "Oh sorry, I don't have a phone.." Yes that's right, I lie to children, how do I sleep at night? Quite comfortably as I don't have dozens of phone calls of random Chinese kids keeping me up!

I enjoyed teaching Grade 5 in the end, there were some real characters and I am sure I'll bump into a few of them around the school during the next couple of semesters, maybe I'll even give in to Julian and agreed to the 'high five' he always asked for....

Words of Wisdom

Just before I finished my first contract in China, I noticed that the gum at the back of my mouth on one side (behind my teeth) had turned a sort of white colour. I wasn't sure what it was, and it didn't cause me any discomfort so with only two weeks left before I was due to fly I home. I decided to ignore it. But about two days before my flight, my gums all started to bleed, not constantly but every now and then. I spoke to my family and they organised an appointment with the dentist for my first day back in England.

I went to the dentist and he told me that I had a wisdom tooth coming through, he told me that the whiteness at the back of my mouth was due to an infection and that it had spread throughout my mouth causing the bleeding that I was experiencing. He prescribed me with some antibiotics to clear the infection and a week later, I had an X-ray. The tooth had not impacted, so removal was not necessary, he did however tell me how to take care of the tooth (brushing, mouth wash etc). I didn't really think anymore about it, and eventually returned to China.

In early April 2013, almost a year after having my first wisdom tooth come through, I started experiencing pain, though on this occasion it was actually from the other side of my mouth. At first I wondered if perhaps a piece of food had become lodged in between two of my teeth, so I flossed though unfortunately it provided no relief. A couple of days later I was looking in the mirror and noticed the gums and inside of my mouth had swollen slightly, I showed my housemate and he confirmed my fear, there was a tooth pushing through.

I was nervous, what would a dentist in China be like? I remembered my Dad telling me that it wasn't too long ago in England, that wisdom teeth were pulled without anesthetic! What if this was the case in China?

Luckily, one of the teachers at my school had a girlfriend and she'd recently started a job working on the reception of a private dentist. He told me that it was very 'westernised' and modern. So he arranged me an appointment.

I found my way to the dentist and was delighted to find it was nicer than any I had visited in England! His girlfriend spoke English and gave me a cup of tea (Chinese tea, no milk and sugar here!) whilst I waited. Then the Dental Nurse came to introduce herself, she too spoke very good English, she informed me that I would need to have an X-ray before going in to see the Dentist.

I followed her down a long corridor into a windowless room at the far end, I was equipped with a lead apron that covered the front of my body from knees right up to my neck. I had to bite down on an instrument, I guess I would describe it as a small square plate about 3 inches by 3 inches. Then I put my head into a machine which then took an X-ray of my teeth.

Next, we went through to the Dentist, she too spoke English albeit not to the level of the Dental Nurse. She showed me the X-ray, and explained that the wisdom tooth was pushing into the back of the tooth in front. I realised that it was impacted, and knew without her saying anything it would need to be removed. I then sat back in the chair as she took a look and removed some 'food particles' from around the tooth. I was prescribed with a week's worth of antibiotics and told I'd have to return the following week for an extraction.

I went back to the reception and looked at the times available on the calendar, I knew that the following Wednesday would be best as I would finish work at 2.50pm and could be here for 3.30pm, however they told me I would need to come during a morning, just in case the bleeding didn't stop, they would need enough time to fix the problem... It was at this point I started to realise how painful this could potentially get.

They suggested the following Tuesday morning (16th April), I explained that I had four hours worth of classes from 1.10pm, however they assured me that if they extracted it before 11am then two hours would be more than enough recovery time before going into work, so I agreed to the time and date they'd suggested. However, everyone I knew told me I would be mad to have it removed and then go into work, as I would be in too much pain to teach. I was urged to inform my boss so I could have the afternoon off to recover. But, if I did that I would not be entited to my £200 bonus, which you only qualify for if you have not taken any time off sick! So I made the decision, to go through with the extraction and then go into work.

So before I knew it, I was sat in the chair being injected with local anesthetic. They waited a minute before making a start, "OUCH!" I screamed, "I can feel that!". She seemed confused, and gave it another minute before her second attempt, "AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I can still feel it!" They pumped my gums full of more anesthetic and on the third attempt I felt nothing, though it was a little uncomfortable.

Obviously I couldn't see what was going on but I saw sharp implements going into my mouth, a chisel and hammer, and something that looked very like pliers! It took so long (an hour and 20 minutes) that she needed a rest and a male Dentist came to have a go for five minutes before she resumed her assault on my mouth! I also had to go to have another X-ray to ensure that they had gotten all the pieces out, yes I said pieces. The tooth was so stubborn they had to break it into four pieces to get it out. They kindly showed me the tooth, once removed and offered to bag it up for me to take home before stitching me up!

They handed me a prescription for two kinds of anti-biotic and a mouthwash (similar to Corsodyl) and gave me a whole painkiller to help me through the afternoon. The painkiller situation in China is actually quite baffling in itself, they don't seem happy to hand them out. In fact, you cannot buy aspirin/paracetamol or an equivalent in your local Watson's Pharmacy (similar to Boots), I assume you can get them from actual chemists but I can't swear to that. In total, the Dentist charged me £65 and the prescriptions cost me about £12, I am not sure how £77 compares to England but I was happy enough to pay it.

My wisdom tooth (4 pieces), how can something so small hurt so much?

So there I was on the subway heading to the school for four hours of teaching, armed with my one painkiller tablet, but I didn't manage to last the 25 minute journey, I had to take the tablet as my mouth was feeling a little sore...

The night before I had planned the classes meticulously to ensure minimal speaking from me, and my Teaching Assistant was aware of the situation so helped as much as she could. I did manage to get through the classes, although at times I did have sit down and couldn't jump around being as silly as usual. The kids must have realised I didn't feel well as they weren't as rowdy as usual which helped me survive, though I would seriously consider whether going into work after having a tooth extracted is a good idea in future...