Top Ten - Things Chinese People Don't Understand

I want to start this blog by saying that this not meant as a dig at Chinese culture or the people who live here. I have been in China for over three years at the time of writing this and have fallen in love with the place, so this blog is just for entertaining the readers and is not intended to be disrespectful towards the country that has been my home for so long... So with the disclaimer out of the way, let the piss-taking commence!

China has embraced a lot that the countries in the West have to offer and although I'm not suggesting all these concepts listed below were invented in Western civilisation, I think its safe to say that these are every day things that the majority of Westerners understand and take for granted that everyone else understands them too. Well you'd be wrong, these things might seem simple to you or I but to a lot of Chinese people these concepts are as foreign or alien as the guy writing this very blog.

So in no particular order, may I present to you my Top Ten list of 'Things Chinese People Don't Understand'...

Number 10 - Queueing

If there is one thing guaranteed to annoy a Brit abroad its a person that is jumping the queue. In China, this is an everyday occurrence for me as it seems I regularly encounter people who are too busy, important or simply in a rush to form an orderly line like the rest of us. I have experienced it at Supermarkets, Train Station Ticket Offices, Restaurants and even the Cinema, to name a few.

The Great Wall of Queuing

Number 9 - Escalators

Escalators are another simple idea that most people in the world seem to be able to use without dying the most horrible of deaths, but here in China on a daily basis I'm held up by someone (different people each time, or at least I think they are) who has to wait for four or five of the escalators steps to show themselves before taking the death-defying leap of faith onto the escalator.

This .gif is probably what Chinese people expect to happen

Number 8 - Mitten Strings

As a five year old boy, I was introduced to what can only be described as the single most important discovery in the world of warm hands, the mitten string. Its a lovely bit of kit, basically its a piece of string that has a mitten or glove attached at each end, what you do and sorry for getting all technical, is you put the gloves through the sleeves of your coat so that they stay there whenever you take your coat off and you don't lose them, mind blowing I know. In China they don't bother putting it through the sleeves of their coat they just let it hang outside of the coat, which actually constricts their ability to extend their arms fully in certain directions...

My friend Joyce demonstrating how to wear Mittens, Chinese style

Number 7 - Christmas

How does Santa deliver presents to all the children of the world in one night? I am not sure, but surely the task is made substantially easier by the fact that around a quarter of the world's population doesn't celebrate it. That's right, Chinese people don't particularly care about our festive celebrations, actually that's not fair, commercially its still pretty huge here. You can still sup on Gingerbread Latte at Starbucks, eat a snowman shaped cake at the local bakery and even suck a lollipop shaped like Santa (gross, by the way). But what is kinda funny is that although the decorations go up in late November/early December they can often still be seen up during the summer months in some places... I used to go to a cafe every Tuesday afternoon, for a bite to eat before class, one week in December they started playing Christmas songs and I heard those songs every week after, last time I went (back in August) that album was still being played.

My student Sam celebrates Christmas but most Chinese people don't

Number 6 - Health and Safety

Health and Safety is something that used to drive me nuts in the UK, common sense has long gone and we have warnings for just about everything now including a reminder on bottle caps that they are a choking hazard. Meanwhile in China, Health and Safety is less of a concern, wet floors come without warnings of potential slippage, waiters don't warn you of your plate being too hot to handle and buildings falling down are often propped up with sticks of wood.

An example of a potential hazard in Xicheng District of Beijing

Number 5 - Pedestrian Crossings

I saw a stand-up comedian from the UK talking about the traffic lights in China in particular crossing the road, he nailed it on the head by saying - "Everywhere in the world, seeing the 'little green man' means its safe to walk across in the road, in China it means, you can f*cking try". You see, in China, when the green man is flashing it means you can cross, like anywhere else, but unlike everywhere else the cars that are turning right can still come round the corner so you do need to be alert, I'm not sure how many foreign visitors to China have learned this the hard way but I'd imagine there have been some!

Chinese drivers stop for no man, or panda...

Number 4 - Western Medicine

China is famous for many things, arguably one of its most famous exports is its medicine. How effective Chinese medicine is, is up for debate but as a foreigner in China I can say that's its a little harder to get hold of what might be deemed as everyday drugs in the UK and other Western countries, such as aspirin, paracetamol, cold medicine and pills for allergies. These things can be bought in Supermarkets and on the British high street but in China you have to go to Pharmacies to get hold of them and in some cases you are also going to need a prescription from the doctor, mighty frustrating. A lot of Chinese people don't take western medicines but they have discovered a useful alternative, hot water. Anyone who has lived in China and at some point felt a little under weather will tell you that Chinese people swear by 'hot water' the miracle cure. What's that you have a migraine? You should drink some hot water. You have stomach-ache? You should drink some hot water. You have a critical illness? You should drink some hot water. Oh no, your arm has fallen off? You should drink some hot water. The health benefits of hot water are so revered in China that drinking cold water is deemed as being bad for your health, who would have thought it?

A glass of hot water: The cure for everything

Number 3 - Nappies (Diapers to my American Friends)

Anyone who has visited China will probably have returned home with tales of children peeing in the street or being held over public bins by their parents as they urinate into the garbage. I have never had this confirmed but I assume that Chinese people consider it a bit dirty to have a child peeing or pooping into a nappy and then walking around with their waste touching their body and I can kind of see why someone would find that gross (if that is indeed how they feel) but to me it seems even more gross to have your child urinating into a bin. This is such a popular way of relieving oneself that small children's trousers come with an handy slit in the crotch so that they don't have to waste time pulling their pants down, they can just do it as and when the need arises.

In China, some parents favour crotchless trousers over nappies (diapers) 

Number 2 - Ceiling Fans

Ceiling fans are somewhat obsolete these days as most places seem to have air conditioning installed but still, every now and then you will find yourself in a room that uses the ceiling fan to cool its inhabitants. One time I was having a Chinese lesson and my tutor seemed a little agitated and asked if we could move to a different table, when I asked why she pointed up at the ceiling fan and said, "don't you think that might fall and kill us?" odd. A few weeks later, I turned on a ceiling fan in my class and all the students screamed, one of the class then came up to board and drew a rather vivid picture (below) to help explain why the kids were terrified of the ceiling fans, I am not sure if this phobia is widespread in China but I certainly don't think I have met people of any other nation with such an irrational fear of a ceiling fan induced decapitation.

'Ceiling Fan Decapitation' - China's biggest phobia?

Number 1 - Birthdays

Ask any American or English person when their birthday is and you'll get an instant reply. However in China, that is not always the case, quite often you will ask a Chinese adult how old they are and they will begin by saying, "well, erm..." then they have to do several calculations before presenting an age and even then they are most likely to say something along the lines of, "so I'm either 22, 23 or maybe I'm 24..." Why? Because some Chinese people calculate their birthday using the Lunar Calendar, some use the date of conception (yuck! I don't need to spend any time trying to work that piece of information out, thank you!) but sometimes they use the traditional meaning of birthday i.e. the day of birth. One example of this was a Chinese guy that used to hang out with teachers from the first school I worked at. He told me he was older than me, him being 27 and me being 26 at the time, it later emerged that he had been born about 8 months after me but he'd added 9 months (his mothers pregnancy) to his age. What he failed to consider though was that if he is going to cheat and use the 9 months in the womb then I should also be able to use that. Either way I am still older than him...

It is your birthday - or is it?

"Good Morning, Vietnam!" (Part Three - Da Nang)

After a few days in Hanoi, it was time to travel south to Da Nang, a coastal town perhaps most famous for being the spot that most American soldiers chose to spend their R&R (rest and recuperation) leave during the Vietnamese War.

We took the overnight train down to one of Asia's favourite beach resorts. At around 30 degrees celsius, we knew we'd have to enjoy every second of our ten day break before returning to the minus temperatures of Beijing. First thing we had to do though once we arrived was try the local beer, which is traditionally drank with ice. Nice and refreshing to begin with, but soon you enough you find yourself supping on a rather watered down beverage, just meant we had to guzzle it down and order the next one!

A Bit of a Kink: Sipping an ice filled beer, lazying on a sunny afternoon

On our second night in Da Nang, it was time to act like the Brits abroad we were and sniff out the local Irish bar (we found one called Murphy's Steakhouse) for a steak and a Guinness. Actually, I opted for the Irish Stew and a glass of San Miguel, minus the ice. As nice as the food was, we were left a little frustrated as each of our meals came out one at a time at ten minute intervals. Chris and I were fed first and our empty plates had been collected long before Jess's had even been brought out. Jess did eventually get to eat but it left a sour taste in our mouth, so as we were leaving, Chris told the manager, an English fella, about our disappointing meal and very kindly, he offered to buy us all a drink at the bar. He took care of us, buying us a second and even offered us plenty of free beers over the course of our stay. Needless to say, we spent many of our evenings there enjoying the free beer (and occasional full price one), pool table and chat with the bar staff.

It was on our second day at the beach that Chris and I ended up doing something rather stupid, we decided to walk the mile from the hotel to the beach with no sun cream on, having planned to apply it once we'd picked our spot for the day, on the beach. It turned out to a be a spectacularly foolish move that ended up burning Chris's forehead and my feet. In fact, my feet were so badly burned that I was unable to walk the following day so spent the whole day laid on my bed watching Dexter Season 2 on DVD. Ordinarily I'd have considered it a wasted day, but Dexter is a pretty damn good show, check it out if you haven't already... The rest did me good though and I was able to head to Murphy's Steakhouse with Chris and Jess for a couple of beers after we had sampled some of the local cuisine further down the strip.

She's a Lady: Lady Buddha statue on monkey mountain

It was on the Tuesday that the three of us took a taxi up Monkey Mountain to check out the Lady Buddha statue, a landmark that had fascinated us from regular spot down on the beach adjacent to the mountain. Later that day, we met up with Chris and Jess's mate from home, Daniel Jones (cool name) and his girlfriend Becca, who were travelling Asia. To mark their arrival, we all headed to a late night bar called Bamboo 2, I don't remember much of the night other other than it began with a few rounds of shots...

We went to nearby historic town Hoi An on the Thursday. It was to be yet another highlight of our time in Vietnam. We saw a famous bridge, which had been built by the Japanese over a thousand years earlier, ate some local delicacies and drank the town dry following a pub crawl down the bar street.

Get Over It: This bridge was built by the Japanese over a thousand years ago

On the Saturday, I headed out on my own leaving the guys to top up their tans on the beach. I walked three miles toward another famous spot in Da Nang - Marble Mountain, a collection of mountains that are home to a number of Temples and Pagodas, some of which can be found inside them. Once inside the caves, you can't help but feel tranquillity calmly wash over you, I can't ever remember feeling that way before. All the caves are impressive particularly the ones packed to the rafters with Buddhist effigies. My personal favourite was the Trang Nghiem Temple, which is found deep inside one of the mountains but its the gaps in the top of the cave that makes it extra special, as beams of sunlight force its way through and bathing the temple in its rays. I found myself standing in that cave for about half an hour just simply soaking up every ounce of peacefulness, two days later I would be returning to the stresses of a busy live in Beijing.

Ray of Light: the Trang Nghiem Temple, hidden in a cave close to Da Nang

Vietnam is an extremely beautiful country and has so much to offer, culturally it has places like Marble Mountain, Hoi An and Ha Long Bay that are all a must see, if its beaches you're after then Da Nang is as good a place as any to sun yourself whilst snacking on cheap local food and with coconuts and beers aplenty, you'll be able to maintain a certain level of refreshment. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to visit Vietnam, not just because I got to travel around a country that I'd never imagined I'd ever get to see but because I got to do with two of my closest friends, Chris and Jess.

Life's a Beach: Chris, Me and Jess pose in front of the sea in Da Nang, Vietnam