Tales from the classroom

I have now been teaching for about six weeks, as you can imagine there have been many memorable moments - some funny, some sad, some gross and one or two that will stay with me for a long time. I will attempt to share a few with you here....

Let's start with a few phrases that I hear on a daily basis. One of the kids I have previously mentioned, Water is possibly the best English speaker in the grade, so much so he has picked up several phrases (possibly from American TV shows) that he likes shouting in the classroom. My particular favourite being when his team losses at a game, he says to me "oh man, come on!?!" in an American accent. He also likes to greet me by saying "hello baby", something a lot of his classmates are now mimicking as I discovered when sat in the canteen with my fellow teachers one day and that class all came in and said "hello baby" to me, one of the other teachers said "Dan, what are you teaching your kids?", highly embarrassing. Water did find himself stood at the back of the classroom recently however when he shouted "teacher" and on my turning around 'flipped the bird' (stuck his middle finger up at me), I said "get to the back of the room, you don't do that", he seemed very confused and said "but what have I done?".

Another phrase the kids say is "teacher, I'm okay", this comes after they have completed a written task, I usually reply "I am okay too". When giving the class a task some kids like to say "teacher, I know", I am considering asking these students to explain to the rest of the class who don't know (as I haven't finished explaining), would give me a chance to have a little rest. I am not sure if I have mentioned in previous posts within this blog but one particular phrase all Chinese children know is when you ask the question "how are you?" as they always reply "I'm fine thank you, and you?" it can be quite funny hearing 25-30 Chinese children all saying it in unison.

One thing that did take me by surprise was during my first or second week, I had split the class into two teams and asked one of the girls what her team should be called, expecting the usual reply of something along the lines of "Angry Birds", "Dragon" or "Hamburger", I was taken aback when she said "n*gger, n*gger". I replied "erm, well I think erm maybe someone else should suggest a team name". I was stunned, and shared my experience with some of the other teachers during a break. One of the teachers who has been here 18 months said, "yeah Chinese people say that a lot, its kind of their equivalent to 'erm, let me think' so don't worry, she wasn't being racist". He is right, I hear this particular phrase a lot, from people of all ages and the initial shock is no longer there but I do worry for their safety if they ever decide to visit a Western country....

Recently I was teaching one of my grade three classes and one of the girls just started vomiting all over the floor, I thought it was quite selfish of her as I was in the middle of explaining the rules to a game we were about to play, the class all pitched in though as one took her by the hand and they left the room (to go to the toilet I assume) whilst several others got a mop and paper towels to clean it up. Annoyingly though we ran out of time and we didn't get to play the game, her fault.

One of my grade three classes posing for the camera

One thing that is inevitable when you work with children is that at some point there will be tears, at first you think "oh no, what have I done?", with the language barrier its very hard for their classmates to explain what has happened. I imagine sometimes it is me, maybe telling them they have pronounced something wrong or having the audacity to declare the opposition team the winners of a game. It is hard to know what to do, part of you wants to give them a hug but considering the Chinese teachers ignore them in this situation, I feel its better to continue with the lesson and try to keep the other children's attention so the child can have their cry in peace and hopefully without ridicule.

One of the nicest moments came last week, when all the kids in one of lessons were being a bit rowdy so I said "Qing Zuo!" which means 'please sit down'. They all sat down and one kid proclaimed "teacher, you speak very good Chinese, I love you!". Truth is I speak terrible Chinese and I try to get by using about five different phrases! Don't tell him though.

McDonalds in China

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am not a big fan of McDonald's. Its not that I am against this type of fast food chain, I love KFC and enjoy the occasional Burger King but for some reason I am not keen on the food at the golden arches. I can't say I never go there because that would be lying, on occassion I have been taken at gun point by family and friends who love the place.

I have lived my life as an outcast, a loner walking the streets in a world I share with of McDonald's fanatics, and I have never truly understood the appeal. Until now that is. I don't know what it is, but in China I love going to McDonald's. It is a place I go at least once a week, I believe it is because in a week that features rice or noodles in just about every meal, I like the taste of home and as my mum's cooking and pub grub is in short supply over here I have to settle for Maccie D's. I say settle, which is a bit harsh as there is no settling at all, it never fails to hit the spot!

Even writing up the last blog on Old McDonald had my mouth watering at the prospect of double bacon cheeseburger... I knew then I had a problem, and the idea for this very blog post was born.

More choice on the menu than any McDonald's back home

I thought given my usual dislike for all things McRelated, I needed to consider why I like it so much here so I have come up with a few reasons why McDonalds in China rocks!

Price - It is a lot cheaper than back home, a meal costs in the region of 21RMB to 29RMB (£2.10 to £2.90)!

Delivery - What? Yep that's right they deliver. I often see mopeds covered with the infamous McDonald's logo on its way to someone to ensure they have their McFix without leaving the sofa (well apart from getting up to answer the door...).

Half Price at Lunchtime - Perhaps one of the strangest differences is that every McDonalds is half price between 11am and 2pm, every day. Having studied Business at college and university, in addition to working in Marketing for several years, the concept of purposely reducing your profit margin is lost on me (and during the busiest period no less!?!) but as a consumer it something I am all for!

Breakfast menu - Ok, so I have not strayed from the familiarity of a sausage and egg McMuffin yet but I do love their breakfast menu. As well as the usual things, they also offer a hotdog and if that is not enough how about all the burgers you can get during the rest of day, only in a muffin? Yes these are real options and cost just 8RMB (about 80p), the breakfast muffins are 20RMB (£2) though and I will stick with them for now, though the idea of a chicken burger in a muffin at 9am is very tempting...

24 hour - I cannot speak for the rest of China but seemingly every McDonalds in Beijing is 24 hour, which is very hard to turn at down when you are falling out of a club in the early hours of the morning before getting a taxi home.

Coffee - It is very hard to find a good cup of coffee here and though there are Starbucks littered around amongst other coffee shops they usually charge the equivalent of £3.50 for a cup, McDonalds on the other hand charge just 85p, plus they offer refills.... it's a no brainer!

I dare say that when I return to England, I will go back to avoiding McDonalds but for the time being I am happy for it to be my little taste of home on those rare occasions that I don't fancy noodles or rice.

Old McDonald

Today saw the 12th and final lesson of the module on Animals, to celebrate I thought I would film my Grade 1 class (6 year olds) singing 'Old McDonald', a song they were not aware of up until four weeks ago.

It is a good effort by the class, considering their English is very basic and they have only sang this song on four occasions over the past 12 lessons. Also, this is the first time they sang without my accompaniment (probably a good thing, as I have a tendency to ruin the song) so I am really proud.

I apologise for the camera work, I was pointing to the animals on the board at the same time as holding the camera so in parts its a little shaky.

They start by singing about a dog, then a duck, then a cow and finally a frog. There appears to be a little confusion at the start of the fourth verse, so I am not sure anyone actually sings the word 'frog' but they do all sing 'ribbet ribbet!' And one or two sing 'rabbit rabbit', oh gotta love hijinks!

I hope you enjoy the video!

The Mane Event

Before coming to China, I had wanted to have one final haircut however as crunch time approached, I found myself counting every penny and even begging for a few off my loved ones too. Suffice to say spending between £10 and £20 on a haircut was no longer feasible.

So I got to China and as expected within two weeks, I started to look like one of those Hell's Angels albeit without the motorcycle, leathers or beard - on facial hair, its probably better to let it grow out as having a wet shave here is proving to be the most arduous task of my weekly routine! The water that comes out of the taps is cold, and although there is a red dot on the left of the tap it only runs hot for about five seconds before returning to its default setting, cold. For the guys reading this they will feel my pain of shaving with cold water, while the girls will think I am a wimp of course and tell me to be thankful of the fact I will never experience childbirth... I have started to boil water with a kettle but it seems to manage to get through the plug in the sink so shaving is now a race between me and the hot water! Anyway, I digress...

So after being here four weeks, I plucked up the courage to go get my haircut. I was genuinely terrified, what would I end up looking like? So I grabbed my phrasebook (completely useless as they are), stuck a photo of myself with short hair on my iPod (other MP3 players are available) and asked for a translation in Chinese characters from my friend to show the hairdresser and then made my way to Jason's Hair Salon.

I walked in, everyone turned to look at me, I began to question whether I had walked into a salon in the East or a saloon in the West...

Three hairdressers jumped me like they all wanted a go on my hair, I showed them the photo on my generic MP3 player and the Chinese text I had which said something along the lines of - "short on the sides, slightly longer on top". They nodded, to my relief as this meant the phrasebook could remain my pocket, result!

I had my hair washed and then was sat down in front of a mirror, the hairdresser looked at me and smiled - I wasn't smiling back though, just panicking. He started to cut the back and sides, all looked good. He started on the top and within a few seconds he was finished but it was too long, what do I do? My generic MP3 player was in my coat and that had been taken away and hung up. I used the universal (or at least I think it is) sign for scissors and mimed my hair being cut some more. He looked perplexed, what did I mean? I tried another approach, pointing at his scissors and then the penny dropped. He carried on and then after a couple of minutes looked at me to say he was finished, no the fringe is too long! I mimed again, and he aggressively (probably wishing he hadn't been so keen to cut the weird foreigners hair) carried on and took half an inch off the fringe. It was still too long, but I couldn't be bothered miming anymore and just accepted it as it was.

I went to pay, the total was a whopping 25RMB (£2.50) - at that price I guess I cannot complain. I was going out that night and was pleasantly surprised to find that my hair looked alright (once I had put some product in it)! See for yourself:-

A couple of fellow TEFL teachers and me (no longer a hell's angel) 

Apologies for this somewhat metrosexual blog about my haircut, the next one will be on football and motorsport (well....probably not). Oh and I hoped you like the Eastern salon/Western saloon gag (I did)....